Sometimes You Just Need A Cookie

I fooled everyone....

Ok, so here I am. This is Greg. If you really want to know me, listen up. Because I don't usually open up to people that much.

So first off, I guess I confuse people sometimes. Well maybe not confuse people, but I come off as someone I'm not. When you see me, a couple of words probably come to your mind. Loud, Funny, Happy, Loving, Sweet, Easy Going, Talkative...etc. But to me, I don't see it.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to me. But not by just one person, but by many. First thing that comes to mind is me sleeping. Yes, it is a fact, I love sleeping, and I will probably sleep all day if my body/people allow it. But that doesn't mean I always need it. I am a night owl, so like now, I'm staying up late, 1-2 am, and I will sleep until 12-1 pm, because I can. But if I have to wake up for something I can. I don't turn into Mr. Asshole if I can't sleep 12 hours. Actually, I rarely ever sleep for 12 hours....It's usually 11 (hehe). I know on a number of occasions, Erin comes to mind, Ashley has said it, and I know there are others but I cant remember (and I'm not just picking on erin or ash, heh honestly I'm not), have said, well Greg needs his sleep...yada yada yada. But there lies the problem. I really don't. I can stay awake with the best of them, but I can also sleep with the best of them. There is some sense to my sleeping though, I might have gotten some habits from my Dad, who sleeps upright watching TV sometimes, or it could be that I had Mono when I was a child. With mono, it stays with you for the rest of your life, you tire easily, and you get sick easier then normal people. One way, at least for me, to fight of illness is sleep, and lots of it. Having Mono as a child severely changed my life, for one thing I gained my weight then, and never lost it, but mostly, it damaged my immune system because I went untreated for it and basically beat it myself (because my doctor was an ass and thought I had Schoolaphobia instead of Mono....even though he drew blood for it but never did the test...but told us he did and said I was negative...yea...asshole doctor.) So for future cases, please don't make the assumption that I NEED sleep, I really don't need anymore then everyone else, if I am given the opportunity to sleep I will, but please don't make plans around me sleeping. (Seriously, this isn't in regard to anything that has happened ....ever! it's just me making a statement to anyone who wants to listen. Seriously.)

Ok so another thing about me. I love being alone. I really do. I love quiet, I love nature, I LOVE sitting on the beach listening to the waves crashing. I love taking walks. (I do love walking with others too.) But one thing I missed at college was....alone time. Greg time if you will. No not to do that sicko! But to just relax, be myself, and not care if anyone is around. As I sit here in my room...alone, I truly do love being alone. The height for me is car rides. If I am riding in a car, not driving, I absolutely love looking out the window and just thinking. That is my ultimate Greg time, even though someone obviously has to be driving, I am just able to think and look at my life. So as much as a partier or "leader" I come across as, I'm not, I'm a fraud. Granted, I love being with people, and I have amazing friends who I would love to spend all my time with, but I also like being alone. But if I am given the position of leader, I will do my best at it. And hey, if I'm not the leader, ill just sit back and watch.

Next, I miss my grandmother terribly. I hide all my pain behind a smile and said "Oh it's ok, I'm fine." When in reality I was screaming inside. I am so broken up now that I am home and I can't see her. I never grieved for her fully, because I escaped back to college and didn't need to deal with it. But god do I miss her. My grandmother taught me so many things, and I took my time with her for granted. I was foolish and assumed she would always be there to tell me the same stories over and over again. But now...she's gone. And I never said goodbye to her. I never told her how much she meant to me. How much she impacted my life. How much seeing her made me so happy. And I never will get to. The one piece of hope I cling to are her "miracles" how she seems to send me signs to help me ease my pain. Just when I need her...she's there. Some how I will eventually get over the loss of her, but it just makes me so mad that I didn't tell her things that I wanted to just because I didn't want to seem like I was weak. Something I must get over.

*Editor's note: I started writing this post on 7/18. On the 21 I went to Maine to surprise Ash, up there. While sitting by the lake, I heard a song on her computer. "My Way" by Frank Sinatra, the tear jerking song that was played at her funeral. And as I sat there, listening to this song, and looking out at the lake, and the sunset, and the water, something in me just was put at ease. Something like Grammy standing behind me, hand on my shoulder and just assured me that I never really lost her. Her dying wish was that she would see me cross the stage on Graduation day from college. She was so proud of me, and for that to be her last wish meant a lot to me. When she was in the hospital she said to me, "Greg, I want to be there when you graduate college. But....I wont be there, BUT...I will BE there." This is something I'm starting to believe. And something that HAS helped me cope. Funny, a few days ago I was still devastated that she was gone. Now...I'm writing this with a smile. She never left, because she is still with me and will always be with me, just as long as I believe she is. I love you Ra-Ra.

Next thing about me? I put myself on the back burner when others need help. Some may call this a flaw, but I would rather see myself as a bum on the street because I gave everything to my friends, then to see even an ounce of pain in one of my friends. I say it all the time, but I don't know if anyone ever really believes it. But if you are my friend, and u need something, I don't care what time it is. Call me...if I wake up, I will do my best to help to you. I really wont care. No matter how stupid you think it is, if it bothers you, it bothers me. I will never get mad at you if you ask me for help. So, if you ever need anything...don't hesitate to call. Please, just call me and ill do my best to help you.

Well, that's all I can think about right now/that's all I want to tell you. But Hopefully there will be a part deux sometime.


Keep On Rocking In The Free World

posted by Greg @ 3:33 PM